I had always believed that I was a summer person - almost like a cold-blooded creature finally lured out of a warm hiding place, by the welcoming sun. I would get all the shit done, undeterred by sweat and dust and the sometimes scalding heat, basking in the glory of productivity and whatnot.
This year, when the rains started about a week ago, I felt a lot of my anger, confusion, and angst fade away to give way to a much more relaxed mood. Was it the heat that had been a factor in the miserable times I had been having for few months? The same summery heat, that used to get me out of bed after a depressing few months of winter, had now gotten so weirdly intense that it was mood-altering. Apparently this is how climate change impacts pretentious people.
Anyway, so with the rains here, I feel like I am a lot like my older self now - still plagued by angst but not enough for it to be evident to people around me (I break occasionally still). I think, though, that these rains are mood-altering in a different way. I feel a pining inside of me - I don't know what for. I am missing something that is not there, something that I know in some sense is mine but I don't have yet. Is pining for something in your future a thing? I feel creative urges too, to write and to sing, which is a good thing I guess. It reminds me of this poem that I wrote when I was in the ninth standard, about the rain: Before the sun is warm and bright,
Before the day is lit up white,
There may be a clap of thunder,
And a hint of grey in the skies,
As rain descends to quench,
The thirst of all that is alive.
I envision myself sometimes, sitting by the window, writing and reading, with a mug of coffee or tea cupped in my hand, as it rains outside. I feel like listening to some slowcore rock, while engaging in creative or academic pursuits, but I don't know what those pursuits are of. I don't know what the subject of my painting is, what the context of my writing is, what the lyrics of my song are, what the thesis of my research is. I imagine myself living in a place with a colder climate, but I don't know where the place is - I couldn't point it on the map of the world. Until I can figure it all out, all I can do probably is sit by my window and contain this pining. Maybe, think about ways to channelise it into something that makes sense.
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