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  • Writer's pictureEphemeral


2-3 years ago, the most incredible thing for me to hear would have been the fact that I eventually get rid of my severe anxiety. That I am able to go to sleep without hyperventilating, without sweats. Tonight, as I lie in bed, considering whether to go to sleep or stay up for a while more, I realise that only some time ago, such an unconcerned discussion with myself on this topic, was a luxury I hoped direly to attain, and wondered if I ever would. There were times I would deliberately stay up all night, in an attempt to blur time and the transition between days, so that the terrifying ticking of the clock would fade into the background, as much as possible. If not for distractions, nerve-wracking thoughts about death and dying would keep me up.

Contrarily, now, I feel like my best self so far, in some ways. Not all the time, but in general, I think, yes. If I had to describe it in one word, I would say that I feel 'healed'. Debilitating anxiety is now gone, and I only occasionally worry, or feel anxious or nervous, here and there. My life is much better in terms of health, mental and physical, finances, and the so-called sortedness. I have reached this place by actively working on my mental health issues, by exercising, and with support from pills. The most healing though, I think, has been the presence of love in my life.

It is not an easy journey to learn how to fully trust love and all that comes with it, but it is a fulfilling and an absolutely worthwhile one. Love can be hurtful at times, but in my life, it has always more than made up for it, because of how healing it can be. I can not express how grateful I am for the love I receive everyday, and I often wonder how I can share with the world, the existence of such love, and how I can let the universe know that I have indeed managed to tap into this immensely precious reserve that it has in store for all of us.

With respect to the self, I feel myself growing away from a place of self-hatred, and toward a place of contented passiveness - a place of forgiveness - where my mistakes and shortcomings don't appall me so much. Basically, I am slowly getting rid of the weird standards I had set for myself.

Today, my life makes much more sense than it ever did, because of love, and I am full of happiness to the brink of my small existence, that I am fortunate enough to be betrothed to the person who brought so much love to my life.

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