Blessed

I think I have been mistaken about something my whole life, and I am finally starting to get it?

For over a month, I have been focusing immensely on my wellness; I have been trying to eat healthy, get good sleep, walk amid the greenery of trees, and to not push it if it doesn't feel entirely right. Everyday, I tread barefoot on grass laced with morning dew, at a park near my house. The park, in fact, has rather become a purlieu of mine. Even its heavily geriatric footfall doesn't make me feel out of place - maybe it is because I am, in reality, an old lady in the body of a 24 year old. Honestly, writing this statement makes me wonder if I have gotten even my body's age right.

Occasionally, although less and less, I treat myself to some junk, which honestly doesn't feel that great anymore. Sometimes I even find it outright bad, because of how heavy it makes my stomach feel (old people problems). On the whole though, I have a sense of being in control, which I believe is a good thing.

I have been working on my mental health as well, even if it took a couple of breakdowns first. Tumultuous times can do that to one, or at least to me (although, I have started feeling that I do not even need the chaos and uncertainty to instigate a spiral session sometimes). Having put in the work, I am in a better - more comfortable - space now, a space where I don't hate myself as much, and where I have a enough positivity to keep me afloat.

Given everything, if I compare my life currently with my life six months ago, it has changed drastically, and for the better. Even the best, in some cases. The near future is sparkly (touch wood, because I have transitioned into this person who strongly believes in saying 'touch wood'). Despite this, I have to admit, there are times when I get carried away by upsetting things. I get consumed by worry, anxiety, or self-loathing, over things that hardly matter in the bigger picture - or they do, in an elaborate way; seeing myself fall into these patterns again and again, I have realised that times may often bring with them unprecedented anxiety, frustration, or, immense cringe. Laying in a pool of negativity, as more and more of it pours in, there could be days when I feel like doing nothing but sulking in bed, maybe arguing with myself in an internal monologue, on why I am the stupidest person on the earth, or why what I did was an unforgivable sin of the highest degree. Thankfully however, having seen the other end of several such situations now, I know that I can survive them. As aforementioned, I now know that certain things hardly matter in the bigger picture, because I have gotten the chance to go through them, albeit flailing, and to see how my life plays out thereafter. In retrospect, my life has been ever so gentle and loving to me (again, touch wood), and because of the small ups and downs I have faced over the years, I have managed to garner some clarity about things that do matter.

My short journey into wellness has made me see the worth of being in decent health and an accepting mindset, even when I am not necessarily feeling my best emotionally. An upsetting episode or a spiral feels much, much worse, to me, when I haven't slept well or stepped out of the house in three days. And while I may feel the shittiest I have felt in days, it is better to do it while eating good and talking with my loved ones. I am not making any commitments to behave perfectly every time I feel shitty, and neither am I writing a protocol to follow to escape bad emotions. I have simply realised that while bad emotions shall come and go as they have been, it is helpful to remind oneself to try to extend love to oneself and to loved ones, so that one can feel a little blessed, even when things do not seem perfectly alright.

I had been mistaken all my life, thinking that bad emotions - and, call it love, positivity, acceptance, or whatever - can not co-exist. Now, I get how important it is that they should.